I have lived in the Chicago area for over a decade.  In that time my methods for dealing with personal conflict have changed drastically.  When I was starting out as a litigator, I used a "tit-for-tat" strategy when dealing with opposing counsels.  When they were polite and reasonable, so was I.  When they tried to push me around or acted in a way I thought was rude or unreasonable, I became much less cooperative. 

As I got older I saw how futile striking back could be.  I would never advocate allowing people to walk all over you, but I began to understand that an argument could be channeled more productively.  Instead of responding to hostility in kind, I realized things went better when I took a moment to calm down and responded inquisitively instead.   The biggest lesson I have learned in my years of litigation is that most people want a chance to be heard.  They want to feel like someone cared enough to listen, even if the other person ultimately did not agree with them.   The prevalence and success of social media has a large basis in people wanting to tell people what is going on in their lives and know that other people have listened and at least cared enough to click "Like."

Another major lesson for me is that when you do lash out at someone who is ticking you off, nobody comes away looking good.  In one particularly embarrassing moment years ago, I ended up in a shouting match with a crotchety opposing counsel in the courthouse hallway…definitely one of my lowest professional moments.  I became a better and more effective attorney as I matured and learned to keep my cool even when faced with a really difficult personality.   Instead of being concerned about showing I could push back with equal force, I started to take more time to actually listen to the other person and try to figure out why they were so irate. 

Sometimes listening helped, sometimes the other person remained hostile.  In that case I tried to chalk it up to something that didn't have to do with me.  Actress Melissa McCarthy presented a great example of this perspective last summer when she responded to Rex Reed's cruel comments about her looks, including calling "tractor-sized."  She did not strike back with insults or threats or a rant.  Instead she said, "I just thought, that's someone who's in a really bad spot, and I am in such a happy spot. I laugh my head off every day with my husband and my kids who are mooning me and singing me songs."  Normally I don't use celebrities as role models, but Ms. McCarthy showed true class and ended up looking like the better person in the matter.